This dress was meant to end up on your floor
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's shark week go big or go home
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
