This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
