he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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