Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
