What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
