I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
