So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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