Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
