I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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