It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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