$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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