i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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