She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
