I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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