Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
