What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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