I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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