The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
