Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
