I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize