Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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