My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
