If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
