he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
