Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I supernannyed him into submission
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
