roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
