we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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