she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
