ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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