I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
