I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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