dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
