there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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