I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
