our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
