i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize