today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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