dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
