everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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