he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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