After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
