you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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