I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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