I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
