I accidentally burped into my bong.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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