Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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