i just wanna soil my oats bro
Fuck appropriateness.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
