totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His hands were made for my vagina.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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