can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
