Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
this will be a night to untag.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
