I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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