He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
