dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
