god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
