i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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