I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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