Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
