Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
