Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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