I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
