My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
