every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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